At any point while I was growing up, I had at least one (or several) people who have been extremely generous and supportive of whatever dreams and aspirations I have had. For some reason people have always believed in me, even in times where I haven't believed in myself. Sometimes I am not the best at expressing my gratitude, and sometimes I never get the chance to thank them. Thank you for believing in me, and I will not let anyone down. Merry Christmas.

I've still got that nasty Linux/Unix Netscape 4+ problem where the table background juts into the main view. It only happens when something is being parsed in the main view. I am going to mess with this tonite. Maybe Jeffery and friends can help me find the solution. I'm not married to this nested table design, so I'm probably going to ditch the whole look (aside from that great drawing up top, that's gonna be somewhere). Not to mention, I hate using black as a background color and the menu is probably unreadable on low contrast monitors. This would be alot easier if you all had 1024x768 resolutions with 24 bit color and Netscape 6 or IE 5 with Flash 4+. Pleh.

Ok...blah blah. Excuse the mess. I am bored and redesigning the site. I told you it would look depressing. It is not a cry for help, but I am going to show it to my family and they will interpret it that way. Most of my links are broken and the archives are not working because I have to rework them using SSI instead of PHP because my temporary server is not parsing the scripts (probably because I didn't install the PHP mod for Apache).

I have brought about 25 CDs home this year, as opposed to my entire collection last Christmas. I am enjoying the rotation on my 50 changer. I want to list them because I can...

Tori Amos/Under the Pink; At the Drive In/Relationship of Command; Autechre/EP7; boysetsfire/After the Eulogy; The Clash/London Calling; Earth Crisis/Gomorrah's Season Ends; Faith No More/Angel Dust; Failure/Fantastic Planet; GYBE/F#A#oo; Kyuss/Blues for the Red Sun; Kyuss/Sky Valley; Lost Highway Soundtrack; Marilyn Manson/The Trilogy; Melvins/The Maggot,The Crybaby, Gluey Porch Treatments; NIN/The Fragile; Radiohead/The Bends; Soundgarden/Badmotorfinger; TOOL/Undertow,Aenima; Verbena/Into the Pink.

I am supposed to be preparing for some family thing. I am not going. I have absolutely nothing to do except procrastinate.

I'm back. With no excuses.

Work has started on a redesign and a new project. Finals put a damper on last month's, but I am going to finish that one up soon. The redesign of the site is going to be a little depressing, not as "festive" as it is now. It is very possible that the entire site may go down for a few days because the university shuts power on and off thoughout the break.

I have been gone for a couple days to bring Kaytie home for Christmas. Good drive. I got to see her family and puppy and listen to my new Godspeed You Black Emperor albums. I got a little silver business card holder for my unborn and undesigned (as of yet) cards. Any ideas? I think I am going to put Richard D. James' face on it (you know, the scary one that is my AIM picture and on the RDJ Album cover and on the dwarf heads in the Come To Daddy video). Hopefully that will scare away any potential clients.

I would just like to profess my love for the band that started the whole grunge thing (well, not really). The Melvins. Not only are they one of the few that survived and kept their integrity in the process. Ok, so they never had any integrity, but they always kept their wit, and there is nothing I appreciate more than a smart-ass. So like 16 years later, this band is on an awesome label and rocks in a not-lame fast/slow way. They also do the best cover songs and make them sound better. Cases : Halo of Flies/Alice Cooper, Youth of America/Wipers, The Green Manalishi (with the two-pronged crown)/Peter Green, Buick McKane/Marc Bolan. And they just released a triple LP of their last 3 albums with the best picture discs and packaging I have ever seen. Whew. Love.

Testing FTP changes...

I have started writing the scripts for a "local scene" bulletin board and show listing. Should be up over the Christmas break.

I am in the process of converting all the scripts on the site from ASP to PHP (in anticiptation of the Great Holiday Server Switch). Please bear with me if you find any broken whatevers, but I think i have it under control.

Many thanks to Jare for letting me use his Linux server. This way, I can keep the site up over the Christmas break so I can take my workstation home with me and work on sites, watch the new TOOL Salival DVD, and download dirty pictures from the Internet. Just kidding, Mom!

OK poetry and cryptic storytelling fans! If you have never checked out Chris' Sandbox or Black Scottie's Den, go there now. There are three new issues from Chris and some shit by Scott. It's the best ever!

I took my Calculus III final today. Yep.

About that eye contact entry...the last few days I have been making some really intense eye contact with people, against my will. Almost to the point where I couldn't look away, and when I finally did I was trembling from the shock and sheer adrenaline. I think I have the power to suck people's soul out from their eyes, and the power I feel during intense eye contact is my reaction to the new spirit inside of me. Whoo! Did I mention that I am insane. That's right, I haven't slept in 2 days! My bed is beckoning (and so is Scott!), so wish me sweet dreams. Tomorrow: Data Structures!

Cool Link O' the Day: Donation rejected because it was ham-rubbing money. (From Swallowing Tacks, my favorite link blog).

I suppose it's easy to say that you are not "in it for the money" when you are making "the money." However in times like these, when I am not making any money for what I love doing (web design), I can see the upside of things quite easily. I don't want to be a dot-commer. I want to be a web-person. I don't want to be a part of the internet boom of whatever generation. I just want to make things that work well and catch the eye.

By the way, I am in the middle of finals right now...so few to no updates. I will have some new stuff from Black Scottie and Chris up later tonight.

I don't want friends. I don't want you.
I judge myself enough for anyone. I'll crucify myself.

Lock the door.
Kill the lights.
No one's coming home.
Not tonight.

What is it with eye contact with strangers? Is it rude to look someone in the eyes in passing? I can't help myself...I just look at people (maybe just to see if they are going to look back). When they do look back it is almost shocking.

I'm not talking about flirty eye contact, where two people are searching for mutual recognition of their attractiveness. I think most people are afraid to look others in the eyes. They are afraid that people will figure out that they aren't thinking much of anything at all. When your eyes meet with someone else's, a connection is made. Not only in a figurative sense, but I believe that your respective psyches are linked somehow. Both of us undoubtedly feel this, as I usually observe that one has to quickly look away or stare at something inanimate and comfortable. Something that they know can't see or think or feel anything about them. True it is uncomfortable sometimes, but only because most people are afraid of accepting that feeling of fear and looking back at themselves.

Damn. I just lost a half-page entry.

Yeah, I have been watching Dune the past few nights instead of doing my Data Structures program(s). And perhaps the acting isn't that spectacular, but it is still cool to see the story come to life. I would recommend the first book in the series or the David Lynch version if you like the story. Unfortunately, I will be at the Deftones concert while the "finale of epic proportions" is playing. So could someone tape it for me? TiVo, where are you?

SciFi fans unite to destroy me! I have never read Lord of the Rings! (the Hobbit is a summary, right?)

So I hit the sack around 3:30 last night and didn't wake up until ! PM or so. This is truly odd because I am not the type to sleep late. Two classes missed, but it was almost worth it. For the past two days, I have had these crazy dreams (that will appear in my dream project). They are the type of dream that you go back to sleep to keep having. But that usually doesn't work does it? Well it did this time...

Problem solved. I had the alarm set for 8:00 PM...wrong end.

About the dream journal: As some of you know, I have been doing a web project every month. The one I have planned for the new year is what I call a dream collective. I know it may be overdone, but I think it is an interesting idea. The thing about dreams is that when you are telling someone about them, you don't embellish and you don't leave anything out, making it perhaps the most genuine of human experiences. You can see someone at their most vunerable physical state and not even know it. So send in your dreams for your 15 seconds of fame. i will send you a quart of motor oil for every dream you send in. Really.

"Birth is a difficult, painful process with a beautiful result, so you need to embrace that pain, that dark minute."
~mjk

For your entertainment...
Christian Gospel Tracts! Funny as....HELL! Gasp!

"Sometimes I feel like a dream vendor walking down dark crowded streets."

Ok, so this guy was supposed to get me a job, right? Well I haven't heard anything from him yet, so I guess it is ok to talk about him now. I doubt he ever came to the site.

Anyway, this journal entry is good. Damn good. It makes me think about how I think. How I will scrutinize a situation until it cannot resolve itself. How I delve so deep into something that I just end up looking at images and scenes from the past or the future or whenever. How I just keep going until I am so lost that everything becomes abstract, too huge or too miniscule continue to fathom and if someone asks me what I am thinking I couldn't say because I don't know. I hope to god he wrote those words (and they are almost too eloquent to be true). I want to to talk to him (and I know where he hangs out) because I feel that we are alike somehow. I believe that he understands something that I am trying to understand.

Sometimes...

Whoo! Everyone else has blogged this...so...here's the fried chicken head. Damn the bandwagon!

I want to play this game with my unborn child one day...

For Caroline,
We love you!
Please come back!

-Black Scottie, Chris, Justin, Missy, Abby & Trey

I really hate it when my hands smell like some kind of food...

Presents for Trey? You don't say! If any family members are looking for gift ideas...

My installation of Linux has been a complete success. The interface takes a little getting used to but I am very happy with the stability and flexibility. No crappy 10 user limit (like Windows 2000 IIS 5.0) for Apache. Running straight from the command line takes me back to the DOS days (but not quite). Viva! However, I am dual booting Windows 2000 until I have no reason to run it anymore (Flash, Photoshop, 3DSMax, etc...). I also can't blog from Linux because of my ineptitude for setting the FTP server. Arrgh.

Highly recommend checking out godspeed you, black emperor! if you are at all into dark, ambient, moody music. Amazing...

For you web designers out there, or if you just enjoy the study of information design, please read Zeldman's article on site structure. It deals with the problems and solutions for useful and intuitive web design in this age of overdesigned and confusing sites.