Merry Christmas! I wish I could be there to say it in person to you, friends. Or better yet, I could leave you a cryptic letter that I wrote with my left hand so that you wouldn't recognize my handwriting. Then, while you were reading the letter, wondering who the hell would write something so disturbing, I would jump out of my hiding place in your pantry dressed as a Christmas elf, but with my ski mask over my face so you wouldn't recognize me. It would be so funny! You'd probably pass out from excitement, so I would take the opportunity to wrap you up like a big present, except I wouldn't have enough wrapping paper, so I would use garbage bags and duct tape. Then I would drive you out to the woods in the trunk of my car and unwrap you, except I would leave the blindfold on. Then I would start singing "Silent Night" in a low, gravely voice.

Wouldn't that be the best gift ever?