I don't like eating out with groups of people. It stresses me out. I eat out often so I feel that if a group I am with creates a situation in a restaurant or doesn't tip well or otherwise fucks up then I will be associated with that incident and the secret underground network of service industry employees will somehow sabotage every future meal.

The Ten Commandments of Eating Out With Trey In A Non-Romantic Setting

10. Unless it is a special occasion, limit dining parties to six or less. If it is a special occasion and you want to invite more than eight people, don't invite me, because I won't come.

9. If you invite people to a restaurant for a specific time, make sure you are there on time. This is pretty much a general rule of life, but I don't want to leave anything out.

8. Don't invite a bunch of people to a restaurant for your birthday unless you arrange to pay the tab ahead of time. If your friends want to buy you dinner they will plan it for you. If they don't, either they don't want to buy you dinner or they don't like you.

7. If you are invited to the aforementioned birthday dinner, you will be expected to pay a fraction of the birthday person's tab.

6. If you are having a special occasion with more than six people, make a reservation or call ahead to warn the restaurant.

5. If there is a negligible difference between what you ordered and what others ordered, an even split is always easiest. Exception: If you order some extravagant dish that costs twice as much as what most people are ordering, you need to make a concerted effort to contribute more to the bill. If you are ordering lots of drinks this applies as well.

4. If it is a group of more than four, bring cash.

3. If you are the one that meticulously adds up everything you ordered so you can write the exact amount of the items you ordered on the receipt, don't forget to use your excellent accounting skills to include the appetizers you ordered for the table and the tax.

2. If you are the dude who takes everyone's cash (including tips) so you can put everything on your card, you better tip 20% on the full amount. I will check.

1. Don't intentionally order more than you can eat so that you can take home leftovers.

A transgression of any of these rules will result in me not eating with you (a grim fate indeed) or a violent beatdown.