I was at Whole Foods and I was like, "whoa...yuppies."

One man stood out from the crowd, however. I couldn't tell if he was supposed to be dressed as a pirate or a medieval bard or something, but he looked like he was taking a break from the Renaissance festival. He had knee high leather boots, and an outfit that was probably an interpretation of his favorite D&D character.

It was really crowded in the store, and this portly gentleman was doing his best to navigate his fat ass around the free-range olive oil, all-natural artificial sweeters, and thin-lipped socialites displaying their most tastefully sweaty jogging atire.

When I first noticed him, whenever he would reach a navigational dilemma, he would politely step out of the way and, with a dramatic sweep of his arm, offer a clear path to the oncoming pedestrians. But see, he was REALLY FAT and I noticed he was getting tired very quickly. His polite gestures became less dramatic and were executed out of sense of duty rather hastily. Before he got all the way through the crowd, his loosely tied poet's shirt was starting to soak through with sweat.

He then proceeded to BARGE through the last group of shoppers, clipping an old woman in a wheelchair in the process. Then he charged the last few paces to the food sample display which was his goal. Or should I say: BOOTY!