Trey's 27th Birthday Wishlist

Well, it's that time of year again, when we celebrate the circle of life, and the 27th consecutive year that I haven't died a tragic death. This year also marks my "Golden Birthday," which means that I turn 27 on the 27th and someone urinates on me. Although this designation is about as useful as a buckle on a pilgrim's hat, I like things that make me seem more special than I really am. For those of you who have yet to purchase me anything for my birthday, here is my list of gifts that I am expecting to receive. I will cross them out as I receive them. Thusly:

1. Digital SLR camera - What man doesn't have a high-end camera these days? I need a good camera to capture all those special moments in high-resolution digital format.
2. High Definition Camcorder - This should have a very good night-vision setting. I need a good camcorder to capture all of those special low-light moments in a high definition format.
3. Raymond Douillet piece - I would prefer one of the larger oil paintings, but if you're on a budget, anything will do.
4. Case of 2005 Paraduxx - Like my mom always says, "If you can't give someone a thoughtful present, enough booze will make them forget you are a bad friend."
5. Handjob - I mean, it's not my favorite, but they're great last minute gifts.
6. A good hug, with both arms, around my waist - It's all I really want.
link to this post   2:45 PM by Trey | (3)
What a sick, sad world we live in where most bartenders don't know how to make a decent martini, yet they charge you $9 for it and put in the same effort required for a rum and coke. I don't blame the bartenders. They are simply doing the wishes of those who give them money. Nay, it is the fault of those ordering these "whatevertini" abominations. Genpop has been coldly and persistenly raping the good name of the martini since James Bond first sidled his smug self up to a casino bar and asked for vodka where gin should be! I'm not going to post a how-to, but here are some pointers to correct common mistakes:

1. A martini is always made with good gin. I prefer Bombay Sapphire or Tanqueray. No vodka.
2. A martini is always "up." There should be no need for rocks because it's served ice cold. The mixing of the drink with ice should provide enough dilution to take the edge off the alcohol. The glasses should be pre-chilled with ice-water before you start mixing.
3. If possible, use whole cubes of ice with no small pieces. This will prevent overdilution. Also, the gin should be poured into the shaker after the ice, but not over the ice, again to prevent overdilution.
4. Some prefer to shake, but a gentle swirling motion does just fine. The shaker should be too cold to handle, so use a dry cloth. Swirl until the cloth freezes to the side of the shaker.
5. The amount of vermouth is a matter of taste, but it should be very little. About 1/2 jigger is enough if you are making two martinis in the same shaker. If someone asks for "dry," then cut down the vermouth. For example, you can put the vermouth in the glass before pouring the drink, coat the glass by swirling, and dumping out the excess.
6. Olive juice is also a matter of taste, but it should also be added after the drink is poured, if at all. If someone asks for "dirty" then I use about a half jigger of juice and a little more vermouth.
7. Don't order a martini in a busy bar unless you like phlegm in your martini.
link to this post   9:59 AM by Trey | (2)
So before the events of last night transpired, I made one of my Ultimate Sandwiches©, which at this time I will describe in detail so that the rest of the world can bask in my sandwich artisanry. I may be an unmotivated chef, but my skills with deli meat and miscellaneous condiments and garnishes are unrivaled. Behold:

The Xanadu
2 Slices of Fresh Rosemary Sourdough
1/4 Lb of Herb Roasted Turkey Breast
1/2 Ripe Avacado, Mashed with Gourmet Olive Oil
1 Chunk of Bucherondine Cheese
Peppadews, Raisins, Miracle Whip, Grey Poupon

Heat the bread in the oven until it is warm and starting to brown. Spread mayo and Grey Poupon on opposing slices. Add 1 layer of Raisins to mayo side and 1 layer of Peppadews to Grey Poupon side. Add 1 layer of turkey to each side. Spread avacado mash on one side and put cheese chunks on top. Slap the sides together, cut in half, and enjoy.

And by enjoy, I mean "Enjoy the sexual arousal that comes from putting such an amazing creation in your mouth."
link to this post   10:43 AM by Trey | (0)
What a strange sequence of events that led me tonight to decide to have a quiet night working at home, to having tea with a friend at a coffee shop, to drinking wine with beautiful friends & strangers at a house in the Irish Channel, to participating in a spontaneous disco dance party 'til the wee hours. Life can be so confusing and lovely.

Oh, and I bought a plane ticket to Rome.
link to this post   3:05 AM by Trey | (1)
I took a yoga class this evening. I figured that I pretty much rule at every aspect of life on this planet, so it was time to tackle an art from another world. When the instructor asked me my goals for attending the class, I answered "To acheive ultimate physical and spiritual perfection." Everyone else in the class laughed, I'm assuming because they were nervous that someone so determined was in their presence.

I then proceeded to get my ass kicked by this class. My understanding was that yoga was about relaxing and breathing and finding your inner spirit or some similar mumbo jumbo. Wrong. Yoga is about testing the limits of your pain threshold. Yoga is about finding the places in your body where your ligaments are comfortably stiff and tearing them mercilessly. Yoga is burning restribution for abusing my body with a sedentary job. Yoga flame. I should have known from Street Fighter 2. Yoga is hell.

I loved it.

Granted, the room full of spandex-clad middle-aged women didn't hurt.

Also, the instructor kept coaxing us to "peer into our third eye" which I thought was a pretty badass thing to say. This is a new stage of life for me. I think I'm going to retreat into my thoughts for a couple months of intense yogic study. When I emerge you will be stunned by my new found flexibility, spiritual centeredness, and supernatural ability to fire balls of flame from my palms.

Watch out.
link to this post   8:01 PM by Trey | (2)
I don't like eating out with groups of people. It stresses me out. I eat out often so I feel that if a group I am with creates a situation in a restaurant or doesn't tip well or otherwise fucks up then I will be associated with that incident and the secret underground network of service industry employees will somehow sabotage every future meal.

The Ten Commandments of Eating Out With Trey In A Non-Romantic Setting

10. Unless it is a special occasion, limit dining parties to six or less. If it is a special occasion and you want to invite more than eight people, don't invite me, because I won't come.

9. If you invite people to a restaurant for a specific time, make sure you are there on time. This is pretty much a general rule of life, but I don't want to leave anything out.

8. Don't invite a bunch of people to a restaurant for your birthday unless you arrange to pay the tab ahead of time. If your friends want to buy you dinner they will plan it for you. If they don't, either they don't want to buy you dinner or they don't like you.

7. If you are invited to the aforementioned birthday dinner, you will be expected to pay a fraction of the birthday person's tab.

6. If you are having a special occasion with more than six people, make a reservation or call ahead to warn the restaurant.

5. If there is a negligible difference between what you ordered and what others ordered, an even split is always easiest. Exception: If you order some extravagant dish that costs twice as much as what most people are ordering, you need to make a concerted effort to contribute more to the bill. If you are ordering lots of drinks this applies as well.

4. If it is a group of more than four, bring cash.

3. If you are the one that meticulously adds up everything you ordered so you can write the exact amount of the items you ordered on the receipt, don't forget to use your excellent accounting skills to include the appetizers you ordered for the table and the tax.

2. If you are the dude who takes everyone's cash (including tips) so you can put everything on your card, you better tip 20% on the full amount. I will check.

1. Don't intentionally order more than you can eat so that you can take home leftovers.

A transgression of any of these rules will result in me not eating with you (a grim fate indeed) or a violent beatdown.
link to this post   1:20 PM by Trey | (1)