Unsolved Mysteries of My Life

1) I was approximately three years old and had recently discovered my nostrils, particularly the interesting fact that I could insert objects into them. I was probing with the sharpened end of No. 2 pencil in my father's office space one day when the tip of the pencil broke off inside my nose. I was taken to the pediatrician who, with the assistance of a very attractive¹ nurse and several shiny probing instruments, poked around inside my nasal cavity for what seemed like 30 glorious minutes. Despite their best efforts, the pencil tip was never recovered, and to this day it remains lodged firmly in my brain, slowly driving me insane.

2) Near my ninth birthday, I was enjoying a sunny day at the pool of the exclusive country club that my parents belonged to at the time². While lounging in my bright red youth sized Speedo, I noticed a huddled group of other children my age near the fence line to the golf course. Curiosity piqued, I wrapped a bath towel around my head, signaled the pool boy to bring me another virgin martini, and sauntered over to the gathering, fully expecting to have to endure another boring conversation concerning He-Man or Rollerblades or jellybeans or whatever the devil children used to talk about in the late 80's. Instead, as I drew near, there was a perfect specimen of a Five-lined Skink resting on the fence, apparently over-heated in the summer sun. Even though the species is quite common, I was somewhat of an aficionado, so I announced that I knew how to tame this creature, and proceeded to guide the reptile onto my arm. The skink quickly darted up to my shoulder, and paused for a minute to survey its new surroundings, much to my delight and amazement of the other children. However, it finally ran into my hair, which in the fashion of the day was quite long, and provided the shade and ventilation that such lizards thrive on. I didn't want to remove it, so I simply let it be even after we left the club and returned home. At some point later in the night, I reached up and felt the lizard had left its haven. It was never seen again. My theory is that it layed eggs in my scalp, which spawned baby skinks which now live in my brain, slowly driving me insane.

3) Fourteen years old. Being a strong-headed young man with a deep sense of pride and familial duty, I was forced to defend my mother's honor when it was challenged³ by a rival 7th grader who shall remain unnamed. Indeed, with witnesses in tow, we met during the 30-minute recess period at the secluded waterfall that stood at the far edge of the lagoon at our City Park grammar school. This location was reserved for only the most bloody fights; this one was sure to be one of those. Thanks to a battery of high-intensity martial arts training sessions at a local YMCA, I was prepared to vanquish this opponent with swiftness. Unfortunately, my opponent had also taken similar courses at a different location; apparently we were in for a battle of epic proportions. As the fight was about to commence, a hard-pouring rain fell upon us, as though Nature itself was pleading with us to cease the hellish deathpact that we were about to enter. Already soaked, we launched forward in a breath-taking display of in-air acrobatics and well-practiced intermediate level taek-won-do maneuvers. Each devastating blow was met with an equally devastating counter; my spinning crescent jump-kick was foiled with a sweeping low roundhouse in kind. This went on for some time; bystanders later spoke in whispered tones that they feared for their own lives with the lack of actual physical contact. I had predicted that this match would end in tears of pain, not tears of frustration and impotence. Breathless, we watched each other from a distance in our combat stances, wet drops of acid rain pounding on our creased brows. A truce was called, but this respite was only symbolic. Truly I believe that one day the battle will resume on some distant mountain cliff, and then the true winner will be declared, my mother's honor restored. Until that day, the thought nags deep in my brain, slowly driving me insane.